It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
