I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
