Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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