guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
