i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
