If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
