Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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