Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
