I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
