it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
