I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
