I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
