I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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