on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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