Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So much rum. So many feels.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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