Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
