It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
