You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
