the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
