recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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