a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
