Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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