you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
