If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Hello my rib-scented angel!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
