Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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