I just pynch a tree in the face
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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