Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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