so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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