My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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