just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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