I wish I could teleport
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
