He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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