i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
