why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
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look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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