JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
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I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
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You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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