I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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