Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
