Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
