a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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