Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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