i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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