ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
