I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Did I show you my penis last night?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.