So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
