Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
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We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
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I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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