I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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