Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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