so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
