there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
