and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
