does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
