My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
