Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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