can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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