Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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