Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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