there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
