Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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