he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
