I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
