I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's shark week go big or go home
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
