We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i've created a new STD.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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