You can't special order awesome
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
